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  “Not today.”

  He replaced the flap of the oxygen tent and walked out of the room, feeling dead.

  When Kit saw him, she knew that if, as they said, the eyes were the mirror of the soul, then Bill’s soul was in hell.

  “She won’t marry me, Kit.”

  “Did she say so?”

  “No, but she certainly didn’t say she would. I’m afraid, Kit, very afraid she won’t. Well, it seems I got what I wanted … my damned freedom.”

  “Nothing stays the same. Janet’s been hurt and unsure of you for so long she’s very afraid. Can you blame her? All right, if you really want her, fight for her.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  EACH DAY FOUND JANET just a little stronger. Bill was with her constantly.

  Her room was filled with flowers. He had special food sent in, and they had dinner together every night. He bought her presents and silly little gadgets, hoping to make her laugh—and they did. When she was able to get out of bed she walked down the hall on his arm. She was, finally, beginning to look a little more like herself.

  When it came time for her to leave the hospital, Bill persuaded her to come back to his apartment rather than return to her hotel. His housekeeper would be with her in the daytime and he would spend as much time with her as possible.

  She was too weary to resist, to think of another alternative, but as she lay next to him in bed that first night she did feel as if she’d come home. Yes, she’d been put off by the guilt he felt over her illness, but she was also beginning to see that the suffering they’d been through—he no less than she—had, in its fashion, bonded them more closely.

  Over the month of her convalescence she had not been able to make love. Her feelings were too mixed. It wasn’t easy on him and she knew it. He didn’t say a word, though, and showed his love in a thousand other ways. Not once did he ask her to marry him. This time, though, there was no need to question his motives. She knew he was waiting for her. This time she was not deluded. She had gone through her testing … she was a woman now. And a woman knew that when a man slept next to her consumed with desire but restrained his feeling for her … well, that man was in love….

  This day she especially felt the strength inside her.

  After Bill left for the office she called Kit and asked if she and Nat could come to dinner.

  She planned the evening carefully, preparing escargot, beef Wellington, stuffed artichokes, scalloped potatoes, green beans with slivered almonds, and chocolate soufflé. She laughed at the menu. It was far from well-balanced, but oh, the sheer delight in feeling alive.

  Bill called several times during the day to tell her not to overdo it, but her efforts had left her feeling more energetic and optimistic than she’d felt in months. By the end of the day, when she heard Bill’s key in the latch and ran to greet him she didn’t feel the least fatigued.

  “God, you smell delicious,” he said as he kissed her.

  She took him by the hand and led him to his favorite chair. “Let’s have a drink, just the two of us before they come. Let me fix it this time. Okay?”

  “Fine.” She was looking more like herself every day, he thought as he watched her preparing their drinks, and tonight she looked radiant. He sensed a curious mix of calmness and excitement in her, but he wasn’t about to question its source. If she was happy … well, that would have to be good enough for now. He had been afraid to bring up the question of marriage again, afraid he’d long ago blown his chances. Now, come what might, he’d not ride roughshod over her feelings again by pressing her too closely on anything.

  As she handed him his drink and seated herself on the ottoman by his chair he glanced through to the dining room where the table was set with crystal candleholders and a centerpiece of pink roses and baby’s breath. “You worked so hard—”

  “A labor of love, you should forgive the expression. You know, I think I’m happiest when I’m cooking … Maybe I should have been a chef instead of a model.”

  “Is the kitchen the only room where you can be happy?”

  “Don’t be devious,” but he was pleased to note that she smiled when she said it.

  And then Kit and Nat Weiss were being announced from the lobby.

  When Kit walked into their foyer she was preceded by her now enormous belly. “You’ve got to enlarge the door for the twins and me … My God, Janet, you look scrumptious.”

  As Nat shook hands with Bill he was relieved to see that he too had recovered from the ordeal of Janet’s illness … though perhaps not completely. Bill was still waiting, just as Nat had waited for Kit to give in …

  As soon as they were in the living room Kit opened the conversation with the apparently inevitable subject of all mothers-to-be. “These kids are going to be wrestlers. They kick up a storm every time Nat comes near me and that, dear friends, isn’t easy with my … shall we say, girth? I think they’re jealous of the man in my life.”

  “You never looked so great, Kit,” Bill said.

  “Well, I never felt like this. It’s so fabulous not to have to count calories. Nat loves me fat and pregnant. At least so he says.”

  “I’d love you in any shape, I say it, I mean it.”

  “Good, because next time it could be triplets.”

  “Don’t knock it, my mother couldn’t do that. All she had was me, which was some big deal.”

  “With a son like you she didn’t need another.”

  “You’re prejudiced.”

  “Better believe it. You’ll pardon my bluntness, Janet, but when do we eat? I’m starved and I’ve got to feed these kids.”

  Dinner was served by a maid Janet had hired for the occasion, and each course brought another round of compliments. The conversation was the usual easy banter among these four friends, but there was no longer any undercurrent of tension between Janet and Bill. Kit and Nat exchanged knowing glances as the dessert was cleared away. Bill was clearly hooked. He couldn’t take his eyes off Janet.

  They sat around the table after dinner, their talk sporadic now, but only Janet was silent.

  When a lull came in the conversation she looked at Bill, a shadow of uncertainty in her smile as she cleared her throat and said, “I’d like to propose a toast … To the man I love. Now … and always …”

  Bill looked startled, and although he spoke in an offhand manner there was an intentness in his eyes as he said, “Is that a proposition or a proposal?”

  “Most definitely a proposal. Is it okay … ?

  Without hesitation Bill got up and went to Janet. Holding her face cupped in his hand he looked directly into her eyes. No surprise, no evasion this time. “Thank you, darling.”

  Kit and Nat looked on with pleased smiles. “My God,” Kit said with a laugh. “I feel as if I’ve just witnessed a miracle. And about time, too. Mazel tov. When’s the lucky day? Or is it too early to ask?”

  “As soon as possible,” Bill said, glancing down at Janet from where he sat on the arm of her chair.

  When the party broke up and they stood in the foyer saying good-by, Kit put her arm around Bill and quietly said, “This is the greatest news I’ve heard in a long time. My only, my best wish for you is to be as happy as I am.”

  He could only nod his thanks.

  She gave him a hug, thinking of all she had shared with these two. “Okay, Nat,” she said as she slipped into her coat. “Time to put the kiddies to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Janet. And I love you both.”

  That night there was a newness to their lovemaking, as if all that had gone before had merely been a preamble to what they would now share. All the pain and love of the last year only brought them together with a greater tenderness in each kiss, each caress of the hand. Bill found himself finally knowing that Janet was the most important person in his life.

  He held her against him in the darkened bedroom. “Darling, let’s get married tomorrow. We can fly to Mexico—”

  She smiled. “But don’t you want a real wedding?”

/>   “I don’t really care, but if it’s important to you I guess I can wait … if it’s not too long.”

  “I’ll have to call my parents first and break the news. They still don’t know about us.”

  “You mean you never told them anything?”

  “No—”

  “Why?”

  “I guess I was afraid to,” she answered reluctantly. “I couldn’t very well tell them we were lovers, and I was never sure enough about us to know what to tell them.”

  “Well, you can be sure now. If you think I’m going to let you get away again, you’re mistaken. You’re hooked, for life.”

  “So are you,” she answered, snuggling closer.

  He didn’t flinch this time, he wanted her more than ever.

  The next day they drove out to Long Island to see his mother. As on Janet’s few previous visits, Violet was the essence of charm, until Bill said, without preamble, “Mother, Janet and I are getting married.”

  Violet sat there, all aplomb out the window—or rather out the mouth, which in Violet’s case was now wide open. This wasn’t the way she had imagined Bill would tell her—when the time came she’d assumed he’d come alone and break the news gently.

  She was shocked that he hadn’t given her the respect due a mother … Ignoring Janet, she insisted on speaking to her son in private. He grimaced, clenched his hands in his pockets, but he knew he had to get this over with. Excusing himself, he followed Violet across the hall to the library.

  The moment Violet shut the door she went off like a rocket. “This is the most deceitful thing you have ever done to me, Bill. I think you’ll agree that your sister and I received her openly and graciously when you called and announced you were bringing a young lady here last summer. You assured me it was not serious and you’ve said nothing to indicate otherwise since then. How long has this hoax been going on?

  The muscles in Bill’s face tightened. “Hoax? … Mother, I don’t have to account to you for one damn thing—”

  “Is that so? Well, my son, I just happen to be your mother. Therefore, please show me sufficient courtesy to answer this … how long have you known about your intentions?”

  Lord, she sounded like a bad Victorian play … “Over a year,” he lied, remembering it was only a month since he’d pleaded with Janet to marry him.

  “A year … you’ve been deceiving … I will never forgive you for this, Bill, and I will never give you my blessing—”

  “Oh, really, mother … well, I’m getting married, with or without your blessing. And let me tell you something, mother … I came very close to losing Janet because of you—”

  “How dare you say that? I scarcely know her. Those times you brought her here I was surely gracious. And you accuse me—?”

  “It happened long before that, mother … my God, you’ve tried all my life to dominate me so I wouldn’t ever be able to think of anyone owning me again … yes, owning … do you understand anything I’m saying?”

  “Oh, yes … I’m quite bright, you know … bright enough to know you’re an ungrateful son I have mistakenly devoted my whole life to—”

  “And you’re like a damn noose around my neck—”

  “Just the way she’ll be one around yours … and you know why …”

  He stood as though rooted to the ground. This was unbelievable. Without another word he opened the door and hurried across the hall to the drawing room, where he found Janet nervously twisting her handkerchief.

  His face was pale, strained.

  “What happened—?”

  “Just get your coat, we’re getting the hell out of here.”

  “Bill … please, tell me what happened.”

  “Not now, I just want to get out of here.”

  Bill was helping her into her coat when Violet came into the room. The two women looked at each other, and Violet’s was a look that Janet had not expected, revealing as it did a hostility that the woman must have felt all the times they’d been together … Violet, no question now, was indeed the stumbling block Kit had warned her about …

  Bill took Janet by the arm and was starting to leave when Violet said coldly, “I’d like to speak to Janet.”

  “She doesn’t have anything to say to you.”

  “You’re wrong, Bill,” Janet told him, her quiet voice sounding more confident than she felt. “I think your mother and I have a great deal to talk about.”

  He hated subjecting her to this, but maybe it was better for her to know now what his mother was like. Forewarned might be forearmed …

  “All right, Janet, if that’s what you want.”

  “Kindly be seated,” Violet commanded.

  Janet sat while Bill stood.

  Ignoring him, Violet seated herself across from Janet. “I am quite shocked, Janet, that a young woman as well brought up as I assumed you were would be a party to my son’s deception, to letting me think your relationship was a casual one. You’ve known for one year that you were to be married. How could you have done this, Janet, and expect me to embrace you as a daughter-in-law?”

  Janet’s heart pounded as she looked at Bill, then at Violet. Finding her voice, she said, “Mrs. McNeil, we didn’t deceive you. We’ve known each other for longer than a year, but Bill had no intention of marrying me until a very short time ago. You must believe that. I know how you feel, and why. Bill is your only son and your youngest. Sometimes it’s very difficult for parents to realize their children have grown up. When I spoke to my family about getting married my father asked if I didn’t think I should wait. I’m going to be twenty-two in July, and he thought I shouldn’t rush into marriage.”

  “I think your father was quite right. I believe you’re both too young. Bill has never had the kind of responsibility that marriage requires—”

  “That’s what you’d like to have me believe,” Bill interrupted, “but twenty-six isn’t exactly adolescent, mother. You’d better get used to the idea—”

  “Please, Bill,” Janet said quietly. “Mrs. McNeil, I’m sorry to have brought this … this rift between you two … but we do love each other and I know you want Bill’s happiness. I promise you, I want the same thing. I’d like so much for us to be friends. If you can give me the chance, I think I can come to feel about you like a second mother. There should certainly be no contest between us. Bill will always be your son, maybe even more so than in the past. I want you to be a part of our lives—a very special, important part.”

  Mrs. McNeil sat with her hands in her lap and looked at Janet, suddenly knowing there were no ploys she could use against the honesty and generosity of this girl—not without losing her son. There was really no contest, and in spite of herself Violet felt the beginning of some admiration for Janet, who might rightfully have been offended by her accusations, taken Bill by the hand and left. Instead, she had handed Violet an olive branch, and Violet knew that if she didn’t accept it she would lose her son. No, she didn’t welcome the prospect of being Janet’s mother-in-law, but in that moment she was forced to acknowledge that she had lost Bill irrevocably—or would unless she accepted Janet. After a long pause she looked at Janet and said with all the dignity she could muster, “Very well. In that case, I do give my blessing.”

  Janet got up from her chair and knelt beside her. “Thank you … oh, thank you. That means so much to both of us.” She kissed Mrs. McNeil, and Violet was momentarily confused by the sudden feeling that Janet was indeed more of a friend than an enemy. She had been geared for so many years to resist anyone Bill might marry, but she couldn’t help liking, even admiring this young woman. If he was hell bent on getting married … well, at least it seemed he had made a wise choice.

  That’s what she told herself.

  Although Bill said nothing to Janet, he was more than a little nervous at the prospect of meeting her parents when they flew to Kansas that weekend. His fears, though, were put to rest the moment he met the Stevenses.

  Janet ran to her father’s arms. “Oh, dad,
I’m so happy to see you.” She was beaming as she introduced Bill and the two men shook hands.

  “Well, this is a proud and happy day for us … You enjoy golf?” asked Dr. Stevens, not too easy himself.

  “Depends on my handicap.” They laughed.

  “That puts us in the same league.”

  At dinner all the talk centered around the impending wedding.

  “I know it’s going to take a lot of work,” Janet said apologetically, “but Bill and I want to be married on March the seventh, which is only two weeks away.”

  “Thai’s plenty of time,” Effie pronounced as she served the coffee.

  They all looked at one another, suppressing their amusement.

  “If Effie says so,” Dr. Stevens said, smiling as he saw her determined expression. He recalled now that Effie had given up the man she loved to care for a sick father, and by the time her father had died her beau had grown tired of waiting and married someone else.

  Janet had similar thoughts in mind as she got up and kissed her, saying nothing, the two women not needing words after all these years.

  “Oh, well … nothin’ so hard about givin’ weddin’s. Just like any big party.”

  “You’re right, Effie,” Martha agreed.

  “Always am,” she answered, recouping her starchy facade, and disappeared into the kitchen….

  Saturday night they attended the country club dance, where Janet showed Bill off. The last time Janet had been here she’d felt estranged from her childhood friends—and even more so from herself. But like her friends, she had found a measure of peace, in her own way and her own world, and now she took enormous pleasure in her friends’ excitement as they clustered about her and Bill.

  “For heaven’s sake, Janet, you really kept this a secret …”

  “I want to be the first to give a shower,” said Mary Lou.

  “Thanks, darling, but there really wouldn’t be time. We’re going to be married two weeks from tomorrow.”

  Why the hurry, Mary Lou wondered, unless … But as she watched them on the dance floor, she was sure it wasn’t that … They were, no question, a beautiful couple and obviously very much in love. Bill hadn’t taken his eyes off Janet the whole evening….