No Time for Tears Read online

  Chavala put her arms around her father and held him close. “Thank you, papa. That is the greatest gift you could have given me. Will you stand under the chuppah beside me?”

  “No, Chavala. I cannot. Not even for you. For me it would be wrong to go against my beliefs. My pain will not be over, even after mourning.”

  God help him, Chavala thought. And it was as much a request as a prayer. If anyone deserved it, her papa did.

  On Friday Chavala and the children scrubbed the house until it sparkled with cleanliness. Then she and Moishe stretched a rope from one corner to the other, hung a side blanket over it separating the sleeping area. She put down the floor mat that she and Dovid would share in their nuptial space, then prepared the Shabbes food for two days. That night she would light her candles. Placing the silver candlesticks on the table she realized that tomorrow she would truly become the matriarch, the head of her family, and Dovid would sit at the head of the table.

  At three o’clock she went to the ritual baths to prepare for marriage. She would go to her husband in cleanliness and purity.

  After a near-sleepless night Saturday had finally come, but the day seemed to drag on endlessly. Finally, thank God, the sabbath was over and Dovid was knocking on her door. Without a word she placed the heavy shawl around her head and shoulders, and the two of them walked to shul.

  Shivering in the freezing cold of the sanctuary they stood together as the rabbi intoned his blessings on them. Indeed, Chavala’s hand shook as Dovid placed his mother’s wide gold band on her finger. They did not embrace, only looked at each other. Dovid’s eyes unmistakably expressed love, Chavala’s determination. Dovid had not expected it to be otherwise, but he was convinced that with patience and understanding, in time she would be able to show the affection he knew she felt for him. As they were leaving the sanctuary the minyan of men reciting their evening prayers offered their greeting of “mazel tov.” A beginning.

  That night, after the others were asleep, they undressed in the dark and lay down side-by-side. Dovid moved close to Chavala. Reaching out to embrace her he whispered, “You’ve made me very happy, my darling.”

  She looked up at the dark ceiling. What could she say to him? That she’d married him out of necessity? He was her husband, with all the rights she had pledged herself to … still, she couldn’t submit to his desires. Not tonight. Not yet. She was simply unprepared to do that, never mind her determination. Her answer was, “Thank you,” and it embarrassed her as much as it disappointed him.

  Dovid’s uneven breathing frightened her. “Come to me,” he said, pulling her closer.

  She moved away. “No, Dovid. I’m sorry, not tonight … the children will hear …” A fine excuse. Tradition should have had her hoping to make a child …

  He took his arms away and with understandable anger said, “Then they’ll hear tomorrow night too. I’m your husband, Chavala. I won’t ask you again. This is wrong …”

  Abruptly he turned over onto his side, moving as far away as he could.

  And in that moment Dovid greatly endeared himself to Chavala. He was not the submissive boy she had always thought he would be. As children he had given in to her every whim, but how little she knew of the man. How little one knew of anyone until she shared an intimacy with him … She would have bet that he would have been passive, she had counted on it, but Dovid, it seemed, was a husband, and she found herself liking him … no, more than that. In her fashion, she felt that she loved him. Now she wanted to be held close in the long winter night. But to ask would be an admission that she had wronged him, and her pride wouldn’t quite allow her to do that Not yet. Well, in the morning she suspected Dovid’s anger would be nearly gone. She would please him by preparing a very special breakfast as a sign of her apology, and tomorrow night she would be his wife….

  But when she awoke after an unexpectedly peaceful sleep she found in the early dawn that the place next to her was empty, as empty as she now felt. And suddenly she was consumed with a different kind of fear … perhaps Dovid would never come back. What she had done by denying him gave him every right to have their marriage annulled. It was a sin for a wife to deny what rightfully belonged to her husband. All he would need do was submit his case to the rabbi, and according to Jewish law the marriage would cease to be. Quickly she dressed and nervously began the preparation for breakfast. As she rekindled the fire Moishe’s voice startled her.

  “Where’s Dovid?” he asked.

  “He … he had to repair a pair of boots for … for … Reb Bernstein. Now, no more questions. Get dressed and wash behind your ears.”

  “Why didn’t he stay and eat?”

  “I just told you. And I said no more questions. Do as I say.”

  “Why are you angry?”

  “I’m not angry. Go wake up papa.”

  Moishe shrugged. When Chavala was upset there was no use trying to speak to her.

  She sewed furiously all day long, and as she pedaled she listened for the front door to open, praying that Dovid would come back and say how sorry he was for not understanding, at least give her a second chance. But even as she thought it she knew he would not. Day became dusk, and her stomach turned over and over. After feeding the family she filled a lunch pail of hot soup, put on her shawl and walked across the road to Dovid’s hovel. As she waited for him to open the door her warm breath steamed against the terribly cold air, but he did not answer her knock. Finally she called out “Dovid, I’m freezing, open the door.”

  Still no response.

  Frustrated, she pounded on the door, then kicked with her foot so hard that it throbbed. Finally the door opened. When she entered she found Dovid at his workbench, continuing to repair a boot without looking up. Well, at least she’d been honest with Moishe.

  Trying to control her anger and frustration, now that she was here she didn’t know quite what to say. Dovid’s silence didn’t help. If only he’d say something. Trembling in the cold, somehow she found the courage to set aside her pride and say haltingly, “Dovid … I want … I’ve come to—” She had intended to say she was sorry, to apologize, but the words would not come. “Supper’s waiting for you.”

  He continued to work, which wasn’t too surprising. She wanted to take his hammer and toss it out the window. “Dovid, I’m speaking to you.”

  He ignored her.

  “Come home, Dovid, I have supper—”

  “I am home.”

  “This is not your home anymore. We’re married and your place is with me.”

  For the first time he looked up at her. “You should have remembered that last night I’m not your husband.”

  “You’re acting like a stupid child—”

  “Like a stupid child, you think? Well, I’ll show you how wrong you are.” In one swoop he lifted her up into his arms and went to his room. Dumping her on the wooden cot, he ripped the dress from her body, hurried out of his own clothes and pinned her against the thin straw mattress. “Now I’ll show you what a man is like.” Without another word he spread his long, strong legs over her.

  After a muffled cry of pain Chavala lay quietly as Dovid thrust deeply. The intensity of her own passion came shockingly to her. All the desires of womanhood rushed through her. Now that he had made her aware of them, she wanted Dovid to hold her, love her as a woman ought to be loved, but instead he dressed and without a word went out of the room, then through the front door, which he slammed behind him.

  She shook her head, and in spite of some annoyance lay back in a kind of languor. It was not so bad being a woman after all. Not so bad … Dovid leaving her side couldn’t take away from her what she was feeling. Besides, maybe he’d only done it as a gesture of consideration, leaving her alone with her new thoughts. Yes, she was happy she had chosen Dovid to be her husband. She knew he would come to her again. Such pleasures were not likely to be denied, to himself as well as her. And with such thoughts, she fell into a deep, sweet sleep….

  She was startled when she wo
ke up to find it was dark, and more disappointed than startled that Dovid was not at her side. Her former fantasies turned to misgivings. In her naiveté she had thought that Dovid would be consumed with the memory of what they had shared—which, naturally, would make it impossible for him to resist her. Dovid would be at her side, watching her sleep, waiting for her to wake up as he stroked her hair and kissed her lips. She wondered what his kisses would taste like … in the abrupt moments of discovery he hadn’t kissed her…. Feeling frustrated and incomplete, she dressed quickly … and noticing the missing buttons from her bodice she smiled in spite of herself, then blushed, remembering the way Dovid had undressed her. Covering her garment with her shawl, she left and crossed the road….

  As the evening wore on and Dovid still did not come to her, all the fantasies slowly dimmed. Apparently making her a woman was a sign of his masculinity, not his ardor. Men and women were, no question, complicated. She really didn’t know Dovid at all. She would have sworn that what had happened between them would have brought them closer together, but she’d been wrong. All the affection he had shown her as they were growing up was the love that existed between children, not the love of a man and a woman. In fact the more she thought on it, the more she was convinced he’d agreed to marry her mostly out of the love he felt for her mother. Yes, that must be it. Otherwise he wouldn’t have left her as he had. No, Dovid did not love her, and down deep she silently wept…

  Chavala’s reasoning, of course, could not have been more mistaken. When Dovid left her he walked in the deep snow until he could not go on. Full of guilt, he berated himself for violating Chavala—what a terrible thing to inflict on his wife. If Chavala went to the rabbi and told him she’d been raped, there would be no question that she could obtain a divorce. He hated himself for what he’d done. Now he lay on his cot in the dark room and he too had tears in his eyes. The only comfort he found was in a bottle of vodka, which he drank until he reached a state of oblivion….

  After two days he woke up in a besotted state of confusion. The stubble of two days’ growth irritated his face, but his discomfort was slight compared to his deeper misery … Chavala would never forgive him, of that he was certain. Still, he loved her so, and the thought that he’d committed such an act was more than he could come to grips with. He got up unsteadily, put his head in a basin of cold water to try to wash away the remains of his stupor. Well, there was no debate any longer, he knew what had to be done. Pride was too expensive. He would beg, plead, do anything it took to try to redeem himself in Chavala’s eyes, to persuade her to forgive him. He slipped into his clothes and crossed the road.

  Standing in front of Chavala’s door he paused before knocking. Then, finally, after taking a deep breath, he knocked. Too loud.

  Chavala’s heart almost stopped beating when she heard the knock. Moishe was about to answer when Chavala stopped him.

  “I’ll go,” she said nervously. Trying to control her breathing, she opened the door only a crack.

  For a moment neither of them spoke. Their hopes were both the same, but nothing of them was revealed by the expressions on their faces.

  Finally Dovid said, “Chavala, please come to my place. I want to talk to you.”

  Her heart pounded. He was going to tell her they were through. Why else had he stayed away for two days? Divorce was a disgraceful thing and not to be taken lightly, but Dovid must have ultimately come to a decision.

  Dovid waited outside in the freezing night as Chavala went to get her shawl.

  When they got to his house she sat rigidly while he added the wooden sticks to the fire. He did not light the kerosene lamp. All the light in the room came from the fire glow.

  After an intolerable silence they both spoke at the same time. “Dovid…” “Chavala…” Silence again.

  Now Dovid tried again. “Chavala … don’t talk, let me finish … I know you don’t care for me … I guess I’ve always known, but for the sake of your dear mother, may she rest in peace, I ask for your forgiveness.”

  Chavala was grateful for the dark. At least it kept Dovid from seeing the tiny crystal tears that had formed in the corners of her eyes. Words simply would not come.

  Her silence was the answer Dovid had expected. He had lost her, no question about it. “I can’t blame you, Chavala, for how you feel. I won’t stand in your way. You’re free to do whatever you wish.” He wanted to die.

  Almost too softly to be heard, she now said, “I want to be your wife, Dovid.” It took a moment for him to hear, to receive what she had said. And then with a kind of reverence he took her in arms and held her close. Slowly, her arms went around him, and together they went once again to his room, where at last they found the beauty of their honestly acknowledged feelings…

  Chavala sat in the dimly lit kitchen with a darning basket in her lap. From time to time she would glance up and see the children surrounding Dovid as they sat at the kitchen table. More than once she pinched herself to see if it were real that he was her husband. She marveled at how blind she’d been about Dovid … how once she’d taken him for granted. Well, she now not only loved him, she was nearly in awe of him. Dovid was not only handsome, but his spirit and knowledge came like a shock to her. In spite of the fact she’d known him all her life, she’d really not known him at all. He had always been the young boy her mother protected … a cobbler, a neighbor. If not for the painful events that put them together, she would never have known how much she had missed. He had brought so much to them all. Even her father, Avrum, seemed more at peace. Since Dovid now provided for the family he could devote his time poring over his beloved books. Avrum felt God had sent Dovid, and he adored him as though he were his own son.

  For the children, Dovid had opened up a world whose boundaries extended far beyond their small village. He excited and enchanted them. Until now their lives had been spent in the narrowness of learning psalms and commandments. Dovid explored the magnificent tapestry of their ancient heritage. He imbued them with a pride in who they were that went beyond tradition.

  Moishe hung on every word as Dovid retold the stories of great and fierce warriors of ancient times, of how they had fought off every adversary, although they were outnumbered. The greatest of all stories was Masada, and the children sat in rapt silence, wide-eyed, listening to Dovid as he retold for them those heroic moments in history … After Jerusalem had fallen to the Romans, he began, a battle that cost them thousands and thousands of their legionnaires, a band of zealots formed. Ele’azar became their leader, a man made heroic by a cause he would die for. It was to Masada that the small band of Jews retreated to make their stand for liberty, for the faith. Masada, he went on, was a huge mountain that stood in the wilderness of the Judean hills, an immense rock built by King Herod the Great, who could not have foreseen at the time of his death that Masada had been created as a monument to God’s will. The zealots climbed thirteen hundred feet above the Dead Sea, and at the summit found a refuge. Below stood poised the mighty Roman legions. Imagine, defying the strength that was mighty, Imperial Rome … For three years and against the greatest odds they were able to hold off the Romans. When they finally realized the end was near and they could no longer hold out against their enemies, the leader Ele’azar brought all his tribes together and spoke to them. It was for them, each and every one, to decide whether they should live as slaves or die as free men. They chose to die. Ele’azar spoke to all who had fought so valiantly. Standing in the center he studied each face. For a long moment he searched his heart, and then without hesitation he said, “My loyal friends, you have followed me to this forsaken place knowing what would happen. That one day all this would end. That day is now. But we resolved that neither the Romans nor anyone else would we serve, that we would serve no man, only God. Once before we were spared and continued to exist until our shackles were taken from us. It was then that we made our exodus from Egypt. We have lived according to the laws of Moses, and now the time has come that bids us to reaffirm our l
ove of God by the determination of our deeds. We have never willingly submitted to slavery even though we were cast into it We were the first of all men to revolt, and shall be the last to break off the struggle. I believe it is God who has given us this privilege, this choice. Life without freedom is darkness. Daybreak will bring an end to our existence, but we are still free to choose an honorable death with our loved ones. Our enemies cannot prevent that, no matter how much they try to take us alive.” Ele’azar paused, and once again looked at the faces he’d come to know and love. “Let our wives die unabused, our children without the knowledge of slavery. After that, we shall do for each other. But first, let our possessions, and the whole fortress, go up in flames. It will be a bitter blow to the Romans to find our dear ones beyond their reach, and nothing left for them to loot or plunder. Let us leave our store of food, to bear witness that we did not perish because of famine but because we resolved as one voice to choose death rather than slavery.”

  When the inner wall had burned, Ele’azar gathered the ten men the community had chosen to decide. It was a signal for all to return to their homes, where they were to lie down. Of their free will husbands embraced wives and children, then offered their necks to the stroke from those whose lot it was to perform the task. When the ten had carried out their mission, they in turn lay down their lives, until the last remaining man thrust his sword deeply and fell with the rest of his brethren. The legend of Masada became a beacon of courage, Dovid concluded, an inspiration handed down through the ages to Jews everywhere.

  In the dimly lit kitchen in Odessa, that small assembly kept unusually silent. Finally Dovid spoke again, looking at each of the children and finally at Chavala. “We must always remember this story. The watchword is, Never again Masada. It is our pledge.”